I still remember the day I told a crowd of 200 strangers that I was transgender. It was the first time I’d disclosed this to an audience at a formal event. It was never something I HAD to do, or that I owed to anyone, but I felt like so much of the meaning behind my songs would be buried if I didn’t. I wanted people to know the lens these songs were being written from. I swallowed my fear and told my story exactly as it was, without trying to filter any of it out. I found so much freedom in that moment, and I haven’t looked back since.
Shortly after that, I wrote God Shaped Hole. I was finally at a place in my life where I felt ready to share that aspect of my journey, and all of the intimate feelings associated with coming out in the church. I’m proud to be able to say that this song has finally made it’s way out into the world. To have had the opportunity to share that with several other LGBTQ folks by collaborating with them to make the music video, makes it all the more special. God Shaped Hole-Official Music Video
I knew that by deciding to share this part of myself, that I’d open myself up to criticism and judgement by others. That has unfortunately proven to be true, and it’s hard for me to handle at times. I know in my heart that I am loved and accepted, but sometimes the harshness of others is all-consuming. A single message or comment from a stranger on the internet can send me spiralling into depression and self-doubt all over again. All of the negative messages I've internalized from growing up in religious culture resurface, no matter how much work I do to unlearn those things. It gets easier over time, but I am never immune from being retraumatized again. I know that this is the case for many other queer folks who grew up in a religious environment.
All of that being said, I knew that these were circumstances I would have to face when I started to share as openly as I do now. That decision terrified me, and there was a lot of apprehension in doing so, but I knew it would be worth it. How did I know it would be worth it?
Well, the good has FAR outweighed the bad. Because I put myself out there in this way, I’ve had to opportunity to connect with several of you who are going through the same things. I know that I am never alone. To know that this song resonates with you makes it all worth it. So, thank you for that. I hope you know that your story is of value too. It’s what inspires me to keep going even when it might be painful.
Thank you for showing me, and God Shaped Hole so much love. Let's continue to strengthen each other to share our stories. The world needs to hear your voice.