As many of you already know, I am a recovered drug addict, and that is something I integrate into my musical journey. It is my wish to share my heart and connect deeply with those who listen to my songs. I think that sharing my story openly is an integral part of being able to establish that connection.
That being said, yesterday I was going through some of my old things, and I found a letter that I wrote when I was 17 and living in treatment. It brought up very real emotions for me, the desperation I used to feel, but also a sense of victory in knowing that I have overcome my addiction now. I wanted to share this letter with you, as well as the first song I ever wrote about my addiction, which also happened to be something I wrote while in treatment.
A Good-Bye Letter to Drugs:
"Dear drugs,
I loved you, more than I'd ever loved anything in my life. You stripped me of everything I ever wanted to be, and you were all that was left. I'd never been so far from myself.
In the beginning, you were the answer to all my problems, my escape, a safe place to hide when I was afraid to face myself. Eventually, you became the source of all of these problems. I pushed everyone who genuinely cared about me out of my life, I stole from my father, and I lied to my friends. You turned me into someone I'm not. You took control of my life so fast. I did things I swore I'd never do. I used my friends and never gave them a damn thing in return. All I wanted was that high. I hated myself so much that the only thing that made sense was you. It broke my family and my friend's hearts for them to see you wasting me away.
You were the sickness and the cure. I knew what you were doing to me, but all I cared about was how good you made me feel. You made me feel like a king, like I could do anything, and like I could be anyone. I felt infinite. But when all of that was through, you drug me down to the lowest of all lows. I felt so weak, guilty, like such a fucking waste. I used to pray every night that I wouldn't wake up the next morning. I didn't want you to be my tomorrow anymore. I felt helpless to you. And I was.
You've caused so much heartache and left me with so many pressing memories, but now I am in control. I'm learning to live my life without you. Some days, I miss the way you made me feel, but I know I won't ever go back to that again. I won't let you put me to waste. I am better than you are.
As much as you've ruined my life, you've also taught me how strong I am. Because of you, I am able to relate to and help others that are affected by you. I've realized that God will never give me more than I can handle.
All in all, I'm done with you. I won't put myself and the people I care about through hell again. The high isn't ever worth the come down. As much as I have loved you, I'm ready to say good-bye for good. You can't have me anymore.
-Emmet"
My song, "Snow" came along while I was in treatment as well. After years of suppressing my emotions and being afraid to face myself, it all came out at once and I poured it into this song. Like my good-bye letter to drugs, "Snow" was also a testament to all of the things that my addiction put me through. It expresses the evolution from hopelessness into hope. Snow is the last song on my debut EP "I Feel Like I Just Woke Up."
You can stream it here: Snow-Emmet Michael (Spotify)
Or watch the live video performance here: Snow-Emmet Michael (Live Video)
Thank you always for your continued love and support. I couldn't do any of this without you. Feel free to ask questions or leave comments. I'd love to connect with you.
Much love,
Emmet Michael